Is It Safe?


Zombie boobs are all right.

Is it over? The apocalypse, I mean. The mass media zombie apocalypse apocalypse. For a while there, it seemed those slow, stupid fuckers were everywhere. I’m not talking about the zombies themselves but, rather, those shitty ass zombie apocalypse renditions in the mass media. It’s like the general public one day just up and declaimed — and rightfully so — that zombies were awesome, and then the next, every unimaginative hack came out of his own patch of the woodwork with his own particular brand of zombie drivel. For a while, there, you couldn’t turn on the television, go to the movies or pick up a book (especially of the comic variety) without seeing it. The zombie apocalypse apocalypse has wormed its way into art (both performing and visual), music and games (both video and board). Some smartass came up with zombie parodies of those trite family stickers people adhere to the back windows of their trite minivans (the vehicle of choice during any zombie apocalypse). There are even zombie apocalypse social movements and activist groups, and don’t get me started on that fucking Jane Austen mashup.

Now, zombies symbolize the mindless banality of a conformist pop culture

If you glean from this diatribe that I hate zombies — well, I didn’t used to. George Romero has always ranked among my favorite directors and still does. The utilitarian killing of a mindless and implacable enemy in “Night of the Living Dead” was metaphorical of cultural outrage over the Vietnam War and of a general Cold War unease. Now, zombies symbolize the mindless banality of a conformist pop culture. I used to love zombie movies. At one point, I even had recurring dreams of the zombie apocalypse. Now, they are so played out that I can stand neither sight nor sound of them. Thanks, general public for even hinting that you liked zombies, thereby fucking up zombies for everyone. And thank you, you talentless, banal hacks who capitalized on zombie consumerism with your mass media zombie apocalypse apocalypse.

“The Walking Dead” is all right, though. That is, unless AMC pulls the same shit they did last season and runs damned near seven episodes before anything even happens. For about six weeks there, I thought I was watching British television.

The Proper Response: Public Transportation Etiquette



“Could I impose on you to constrain what’s obviously your enormous cock so that I may sit here?”

When faced with the following scenario:

A seat on the train or bus is unoccupied, but the man sitting next to it has his legs spread so far apart that actually sitting in it would either a) prove impossible, or b) result in half of your ass sticking out into the aisle, largely cancelling out the palliative benefit of sitting down in the first place.

The proper response:

“Excuse me, but could I impose on you to constrain what’s obviously your enormous cock so that I may sit here?”

Requesting complete strangers to temporarily behave like human beings is often awkward and can lead to open confrontation. By impressing upon them the pretense that you believe them to be well endowed, you will both preserve their ego and defuse what could potentially become a sticky situation. Note: it is important that you not sound sarcastic while saying this, though not as important as, say, watching infomercials or scooping cat litter.

The Hungry Tiger

Portrait of Leila

Stupid Water Buffalo Are Gr-r-reat!

The Malthusian Proxy was founded in order to raise social awareness of a crisis we face today, a crisis which has been rapidly accelerating over the years. To neglect it now would be to risk far-reaching and potentially devastating consequences on a global scale. That crisis is overpopulation. Not the overall human population, but rather a subset of that population, but one whose constituents add up to a staggering majority thereof. I’m talking about stupid people.

Right now, trillions of dollars in resources and production are wasted on stupid people every year, and that cost is increasing on a daily basis. What’s more, recent statistics indicate smart people are having fewer babies, while stupid people are reproducing more than ever!

Culpability for this problem falls squarely — and somewhat paradoxically — upon smart people. Over the course of millions of years of evolution, human beings developed intelligence, and it is this that has empowered us to achieve total mastery over our environment. Another paradox: we have evolved to the point where we can now subvert evolution itself. Rather than adapting to our environment through natural selection, we adapt the environment to our own needs, and this contributes, more than anything else, to the proliferation of stupid people. You see, out in the wild, the stupid water buffalo is first to fall prey to the hungry tiger. Stupid people, on the other hand, are protected by our laws and social institutions and allowed not only to survive, but to reproduce. With no natural predators to cull them, our stupid population is left unchecked and, as a result, is now exploding exponentially, hence our current crisis.

To neglect this crisis now would be to risk far-reaching and potentially devastating consequences

The first step toward averting disaster is awareness. Like many first steps, that’s the easy part. It is arriving at a solution and then implementing it that will prove more difficult. We, here at The Malthusian Proxy, believe we’ve found a solution, one that is both humane and compassionate, and the foundation of that solution is placement. You see, we envision the creation of a kind of Utopia. For stupid people. A Stutopia. The question of where will be decided by two criteria: Firstly, it would need to be a large, open space to accommodate the droves upon droves of stupid people in the world and, secondly, it would ideally be on an island so that the stupid can’t escape won’t wander aimlessly into smart people territory. To that end, we’re looking into purchasing Australia. Just think about it. Stupid people would have a land of their own where they can be free to manage their own affairs, beget their stupid children and otherwise go about their stupid lives, all without boundaries. Excepting, of course, the electrified fence we’ll surround them with.

It all sounds wonderful, but the reality is that it will take an awful lot of time and resources (still less, however, than the time and resources we spend on them now), and this is where you come in. Assuming you are a reasonably intelligent human being, not some stupid person who arrived here accidentally (that SEO stuff is more art than exact science), then you are probably already familiar with the pain of having created something beautiful, only to watch stupid people fuck it all up. With your helpful donation, you will be contributing to the welfare and supervision of stupid people everywhere. More importantly, you’ll be working toward the peace of mind that comes with knowing the future of our gene pool is safe from the floating turd of stupid genes. Won’t you please help?